We think we have this thing called "LIFE" worked out then comes the daily reality. When least expected hell breaks loose and we are left hanging by our fingernails over the precipice. It's exhausting to try to maneuver all these life events and stay sane. When one is slightly off kilter it's harder! My limited attention span from living a life with ADD has taken its toll coupled with high blood pressure (188/110) and frequent issues with family and finances pushes me over the edge far too often.
I have a destroyed back, one that will never get better according to many doctors including the head of the department at Washington DC's National Rehab Hospital. It has been called a failed back, a train wreck, an utter disaster, bringing about astonished faces at the idea I can even walk. My last surgery was January 1992. I had 2 previous fusions and then the ortho told me I was "rejecting the hardware and it has to come out ASAP" and being a trusting patient I said, "ok" though it filled me with dread. There is no way to describe the barbaric practice of spinal fusion and the excruciating pain that follows it. Then there is the very long recovery and hopes dashed when the pain is WORSE than before.
The crux of the matter is, my back was destroyed by the very doctor I believed in. I did not sue him because I knew deep down that it was a losing battle. The doctor at NRH was furious that this had been done to me and minced no words about what she thought of old Doc P G. She patted my hand and said that I was unfortunately going to have to learn to live with it. Injections might help and therapy but there was massive scar tissue damage snaking around my spine and my sciatic nerve was crushed by a huge bone spur that was probably the source of my pain all along. All I know is that this issue has been walking with me for a very long time. It is is mentally exhausting dealing with pain like this daily. It does something to the psyche after a time and scews how I view life, in general.
So the answer has been medication which I take daily but am filled with enormous remorse and guilt over. I have cut way back and the pain has been crushing at times but it's the STIGMA I can't bear anymore. The disapproving faces of anyone I tell I am on pain meds. They ask me why I just don't (take Alieve, get shots, do therapy, biofeedback, blah blah and blah) I have no insurance. I have a fixed income. This is it or a bullet. Since I would never do that to my family I have to choose the meds. I want to NOT do them anymore. I am cutting back but it's that nagging voice and the very real pain clashing in my brain tellling me I am a "damn fool for doing this" and that I will regret it.
My kidneys are in stage 3 failure. It is the result of long term use of medication. SO....here I am. I am frightened at what will happpen with my blood pressure if I go off them without medical supervision of which I can not get because I have no insurance. It's a vicioous circle and it is slowly driving me a bit over the edge. I hate the meds. I despise them but more than that I despise that my life is centered around them. I don't want to lose my kidneys. I dont want to die. My depression is so vast no one knows just how bad it is because I try to hide it. My life is in a shambles and I do not have a plan on how to fix it anymore. I used ot have a plan but now it is just making me more depressed.
I am a bundle of joy today but the truth is I need help and I am not getting it. I need an alternative to meds and I cant get it. I know i have the will but do I have the fortitude? Am I only doing this to appease those that find it distasteful or am I doing it to save my kidneys? It is difficult to be a slave to a small thing like medication even though I am the sort it was made for. I dont abuse it. I dont sell it. I dont take more than I am supposed to ever never havee not once done so. Still I feel somehow dirty and guilty anyway. I think of the ones I have to care for, what is involved and the physical toll it takes on me.
Ugh.
